Rambling thoughts on the insufficiency of God’s love


You don’t care*. No, don’t deny it, it’s true; but I understand. Humans have a limited capacity to care, limited time and attention to give. You have yourself and your family and so many other closer friends to care about first- there’s not much space left for a once a year friend except maybe once a year.

Humans have a limited capacity to care- limited time and attention. That’s one reason they invented god (or the modern concept of god, anyway). God, who has unlimited capacity to love all and everyone, and does it better then any human ever could. Because that’s what most people want most in life- to love and be loved. To feel cared for. To feel like they matter.

And yet some people would take that away from others– forbid them to love and be loved. (I’m referring to homophobic sentiments, of course.)  Why do you and how can you deny people such a fundamental need of their emotional well-being?

And this god– supposedly his love is all you need, his perfec love. The love that quenches your thirst eternally while every other leaves you wanting. And yet people who feel his love, who bask in his love are not satisfied– god is not enough (what blasphemy!) and they still need the love and support if their community, the love and support of their family, the love and support of their friends, and the love and support of a significant other. Why can’t you subsist on god’s love alone?

All men have a god shaped hole in their hearts, they say. Yet even when you’ve filled that hole with god, there’s still some hole left. How can it be that god’s not enough?

One of the favourite ‘trump cards’: the fall. We live in a fallen world. Our relationship with god now on earth is not as it’s supposed to be. It’s been tainted with sin, restricted by sin.
But even in paradise, even before sin and the fall, god wasn’t enough. Man was made to worship god, but worshipping god didn’t fulfill man enough, didn’t make man satisfied. God wasn’t enough, and god said so himself: it is not good that man should be alone. But he wasn’t alone, he was in PARADISE, with god, in his intended, untainted state, with all the incredible wonders of creation at his beck and call. And… It still wasn’t enough.

How can it get better than that? As Adam, the first man, in paradise, knowing god? Isn’t that what Christians claim is god’s original, intended plan? Trump card ‘the fall’ is out of commission; it hasn’t happened yet. Isn’t that the thing that is separating us from god, and isn’t separation the thing that is keeping us dissatisfied? Apparently not. Adam had it all, and still it was ‘not good’.

Apparently you still need AT LEAST a mate (in addition to all of paradise and being on one-on-one speaking terms with god) to be satisfied and fulfilled.

As little sense as this makes, it makes even less sense to believe all that and still deny some people the right to love another**. God himself said that even with everything else absolutely perfect, it’s still ‘not good’ to be alone.

*Is there a difference between actively not caring and not actively caring? If there is, I mean thelatter.
**I guess this refers specifically to people who admit that homosexuality natural and beyond an individuals control but insist that they should abstain from being an ‘active’ homosexual. 

Tiredness without the satisfaction


There’s this little piece of feeling, it should be here but it’s missing.

I ran my first half-marathon this morning; It was a night run starting at 12:30am. Slightly more than half-way through my knee started hurting and I had trouble walking, never mind running. About 3/4 way through, it started pouring. Tropical torrential downpour compete with thunder, lighting and strong winds. Nonetheless, I managed to complete the run without dying. Needless to say, I’m suitably drained and exhausted after that ‘ordeal’.

There’s this little piece of feeling missing.

It’s like the feeling after a day of swimming? Well, I don’t know if others experience it this way but I’d always feel really drained after swimming. Especially those times when we were younger and used to go swimming regularly. We didn’t just swim though; It was a club by the beach and as kids we’d of course be running around, sitting on the slide, moving from the baby pool to the big pool, playing in the sand, playing in the sea… There’d always be this characteristic physically drained feeling, with the lingering coldness of the water on your skin, sapping your body’s energy as you slowly get warm again.

But you’re tired in a good way. You’re happy. And, after everyone gets washed up, we’d usually go as a family for a really good and yummy dinner. Perhaps at the club’s restaurant, or, as I remember on some occasions, having a home-made picnic on the benches in the ‘park’ that overlooked the seaside. And it was precisely because you felt so drained and hungry that that meal and the down time with family really, really hits the spot. It was some good icing on an already good cake, transforming it into a perfect cake.

Or… it’s like the feeling of coming home from overseas after a holiday. You had fun, but after the last few hours in the plane you’re also exhausted from flying and waiting in airports and lugging luggages around. Not to mention, maybe you’ve had enough of a constant onslaught of the unfamiliar for a while. When you touch down and when you finally step back into your own house, there’s a deep sense of comfort, of satisfaction, of belonging, of… well, of homecoming. Of coming home.

Or… it’s like the feeling of coming home after a long day to a warm smile and a warmer, tight and loving hug. It transforms your day, but it does that by transforming you. Warms you from the inside out.

Simple things that rejuvenate. Simple things that add the final cherry on the cake, the dot in the dragon’s eye. Simple things that seem an after-thought to the main event, but actually are the most important. Simple things that can affect the colour and mood and final telling of the story. Simple things that can turn the entire situation around in your head.

Something sweet enough to delight, yet substantial enough to make you full and satisfied. You feel contented, but it goes a step further than that; you feel happiness. A sprinkling of glitter rainbow.

That’s the feeling that’s almost here, but isn’t.

It’s like missing the climax but you’re not quite sure why. It’s like almost reaching, but deflating just a tad too soon. Missed the sweet spot.

A feeling is missing, that final cherry on the cake that would make everything worth it, make everything perfect. Change the story.

Unconsciously searching


It’s so stupid when you’re so tired
Yet refuse to go to sleep
“Just a while longer…”
one more game, one more article, one more site…
Searching unconsciously for that one thing
Some drug
Of satisfaction, of contentment.
The icing on the cake
Dotting in the dragon’s eye
Before switching off and logging out
and being able and willing to end the day.

You won’t find it where you’re looking.

Too bad.