Things that make me happy


Things that make me happy:
1.
2.
3.

That’s how I feel right now.

I can’t rightly say that I’m still depressed– I feel fine most of the time, I’m functional, I’m not moping, I’m not moody, I’m not sad or upset or emotional. I go about my day as per normal. I know things can get much worse than this, have been much worse than this, but I’m not in that ditch any more and I don’t ever want to go back.

Yet it isn’t clear where I am. Some barren wasteland? A no man’s land between deep ditches?

There is nothing in my life right now that I can think of that makes me truly happy. Nothing in my life right now gets me excited or motivated. Everything is awash with this blanket of… pointlessness. Emptiness.

It’s not even as if I’m languishing– I’m doing my best to keep myself moderately occupied. It’s important to stay in touch with friends, right? To read books, watch shows, play music, draw, keep up with learning a new language, go out, buy new things, exercise, travel… so yeah, I try to do some of everything. Prove to myself that I’m living and not wasting my life away. Enough to facebook-pretend. I’m not the kind who needs lots of activities to be satisfied, anyway. Yet, all that I do– including getting out of bed in the morning– I do because I’m supposed to, and not because I want to. Sure, I don’t have to drag and force myself out of bed, but neither do I look forward to the day.

I may not need five hundred friends and activities everyday, but I do need something. What? Even when I think I know, how do I get it?

Or is that fallacious thinking– to assume that this one thing is going to miraculously solve your whole life? That this one thing is what will give your life meaning and purpose?

That doesn’t sound like meaning– it sounds like a crutch.

I do not know what I have to do, or what I can do, to end this reign of emptiness. How do I find my way out of this wasteland?

I may not be feeling sad at the moment. But to know that there is nothing right now that can make me happy– truly happy– that’s perhaps one of the saddest things there is.

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Dream: Trapped


and in my dream I was sad
so sad
forever-sad kind of sad
will-never-be-happy sad
life-is-not-worth-living sad

met her, briefly, and parted.
went to meet K for food
sat outside this interesting cafe for cats, or something
I kept looking at it, wondering about it, and thinking–

we get up to… pay or something
I wandered into the building for a while
fake ‘skating’ on the smooth floor
I go back out where I thought I came from
but it’s different and K’s not there
I must have used the wrong door
I go back in and exit through another door
this is wrong too

I’m lost, and I can’t find K
the layout of everything is familiar, and similar
but yet completely different
we’re somewhere near nus
and the layout is of NUS but also not
I know where I am and where I’m going
but also not.
I’m lost

the place morphs and morphs
all the time familiar but not
I open doors and enter and exit
trying to find my way, but i’m still lost
it’s a canteen, or a hawker centre– huge
familiar but– it’s wrong, wrong.
I open a door and inside it’s a maze of corridors.
I’m getting scared and panicky
I open the door that I came in from but–
but what? I can’t remember.

Scared, I know it’s a dream.
I tell myself, okay, just think of what you want to see when you open the door
think of something happy
escape this dark mood
I close my eyes, in the dream
and try to think
I think of a beach
okay
when we open this door, it’s going to be a happy beach on the other side.
okay

I open my eyes and it’s not
and I’m struggling
to what? I don’t remember
open the door? close the door?
more maze-y dark corridors
I can feel nylon strings against me as I try to open the door
and I’m terrified
that pushing on those strings is going to trigger something
it’s a trap and

I force myself to wake up
pull myself from the dream
wake up wake up wake up
the sticky heaviness, clinging on
struggling to move a limb, open an eye– WAKE UP
okay.

at some point
I can’t remember when
I think about going to meet her
was that reality or dream?
but what would I say to her?
There’s nothing to say.
there’s no point.

another dream
I have a desk.
it’s at the edge of like a balcony
but no barriers, like an infinity pool

it’s dangerous and I keep thinking Mittens is going to fall as she sits at the edge
so I keep chasing her off my table

but I like the openness

it’s night and there are stars
twinkling and twinkling
I call my sis in to look at something
there’s a building far away in the distance
with a cool/pretty design.
then I see it’s a church

suddenly I notice something different
they are raising the wall!
or they raised the wall?
with the new wall, I’d have hardly any view! I wouldn’t be able to see siht!

new wall? oh no wait. it’s windows, they’re gonna build windows
That’s not so bad

from going to build
suddenly is there, the windows
except that it’s mostly wall

the lights turn on and oh! i see new things on my shelf– cool white animal figurines

I call my sis again, to look at this
but she snaps at me

The windows are mostly wall
wall– everything is walled up.
I’m struggling– climbing up my table
trying to peer out the tiny bits of window high up
the sky is wonky it was night but now it’s day?
no no, it should be night
turn it back to night
trying to peer out the tiny window
to catch a glimpse again
of those beautiful twinkling stars
i saw just now

to no avail
can’t see shit out of this tiny tiny window.
can’t see

Emotional


Irrational emotions, be gone! I wish to be rid of thee. 

How I wish I could cut off emotions sometimes. Except of course I know I don’t. As much as I despair at how I can get emotionally down for seemingly no reason at all, and how I hate feeling so mopey and depressed when I know I have no reason to feel this way…

I know I fear the void and emptiness even more than irrational, inescapable sadness. A life without emotion wouldn’t be worth living– or wouldn’t be human, anyway. Sometimes I deliberately think thoughts that I know will make me cry, as though if I made the pain more acute, that would make it more bearable. And maybe then it would go away…

I started an entry only to select all and back space yesterday. I did it several times. That feeling of wanting desperately to say something, yet having nothing to say.

While I was lying in bed and trying to sleep, finally a line came to me that would not go away, that seemed to express exactly what I felt:

I think of you because I don’t know what else to do. 

I don’t know what else to think about when I’m feeling this way. I don’t know what else I can do in relation to you besides merely thinking about you. I don’t think this makes anything better, but I don’t know what else to do…

How much a part of ourselves do our emotions constitute, is what I always wonder. If I’m feeling upset only because of a ‘mood swing’, some internal temporary hormonal imbalance, am I to discount these emotions? But these thoughts I think when I feel these things, surely they are as a part of me as any other thought I might have…?

How would you know what’s normal or abnormal when there are no standards for comparison…