Windy Sunsets

I love walking home in the evenings, before the sun sets on a day with nice weather like today. There’s always something so poignant and emotional and beautiful about the times of dawn and dusk.

The blue sky and it’s puffy white clouds, so beautiful, so beautiful.
We spend too much of the day indoors.
Want to just spend all my time sitting by the beach, staring into the horizon.
And feel the wind embrace you.

I love the wind, I really do. When it blows, it feels all encompassing, going around, over and, it seems, almost through you. I close my eyes as it roars past my ears and whistles through my hair. It makes me think and feel of carefree days, of freedom, of love and joy, of simple pleasures and happiness. It stirs up vagues wisps of emotion-memories of being overseas, on holiday, relaxing. It stirs up vague wisps of feeling-memories of the beach, of Bishan park, of Changi beach club, of childhood memories and being much younger. Perhaps it even reaches further back than that to the memories of childhood dreams and desires to fly.

The blue sky and white clouds and trees and wind also call up memories of Jalan Bangket. Of MacRitchie Reservoir. Of taking walks in her estate…of relationship memories.

It’s a taste. Of openness, freedom, carefreeness, contentment, peace and a simple joy… But also of days gone by. Of past simplicities and securities. Of being young, when everything was always alright. Of a happiness, light-heartedness and optimism that I no longer possess… it makes me melancholy.

The wind always fills me with emotion. If a were a theist I’d say that’s when I feel closest to God, when I can almost literally feel His embrace, his reassurance, his love. Yes, I feel so loved. But I’m not a theist.

Instead, I’d say its when I feel most alive, most aware of the beauty of life and living, most in awe and appreciation, most at one and almost at peace with the world.

The most beautiful things in life are often bittersweet, like the sunset at dusk.

I Think I Love the Wind the Best 

Can’t let go (because I have nothing else to hold on to)

Looking in all the wrong places for happiness.

My life’s not shit– I have so much to be grateful for, I know– but it certainly is a mess. I don’t know what I’m doing, and I don’t know what I want. I’m trying to find meaning, but I must be going about it in the totally wrong way.

On one hand– I’ve always been like that– pretty directionless. I’ll have down periods where I’m moody and emotional and wage internal wars about the meaning (or lack of meaning) in my life.

But it was always balanced with moments of clarity, moments of joy for life, wasn’t it? on the whole, didn’t I think of myself as a happy, optimistic person?

This is how my life organized itself for most of the past 24 years:
There’s the everyday drudgery of things you have to do, things you need to do. For ~16years, this role was filled by school and school work. Sometimes it was the worst kind of torture– you just didn’t see the point of it all, this mindless routine! Other times you appreciated it, enjoyed it almost. Probably most times it just was– something to be done, something that passes the time. Dreary obligation and comforting familiarity both.

To make that drone bearable and meaningful, you had to litter it with fun stuff– dot the black sky with shiny stars. Have something to look forward to all the time. Small things like catching a glimpse of a crush. Big things like outings on weekends. Arriving home to your family, a home-cooked meal, playing the piano… whatever. Always something to look forward to. A happy place to go to and to think about when you need cheering up.

Well school has ended and a job hasn’t replaced it yet. On the surface that seems like the first component has been removed– no more painful necessities to plough through. In reality though, the dreariness (the unexciting mundaneness?) remains but with less structure: no more clearly defined time blocks for Lesson Time (zzz waiting for time to pass) and Free Time (yay dismissal!). Which means more or less everything turns into one (often dreary) blob.

As for happy havens… well, my happy bubble was popped. And now it seems I haven’t felt genuinely happy in a long time, nor can I think of anything that really excites me and makes me feel happy in anticipation. I think more accurate words would be: joy. and contentment.  Haven’t felt joyful or contented in a long while.

If you can’t think of a reason to be happy, you’re just making excuses and are not trying hard enough. 

Easier said than done, as always.

It’s hard to let go of the one thing that has brought you all encompassing joy for so long. Especially when you don’t see any other life buoys, any other light points of hope in sight much less within reach.

But maybe let go you must, before it can stop obstructing your view to an entire world of joy somewhere out there…

My Rainbow Heart

My rainbow heart
Where have you gone?
I haven’t felt you
For so very long

I miss your laughter
I miss your smiles
I haven’t had that
For quite a while

I miss your prancing
Your joyful songs
Your silly banter
Your stringing along

I miss your optimism
Your idealistic hope
That all will be better
There’s no end of the rope

I miss your contentment
Your inner peace
Your love for the world
Your desire to please

I miss your appreciation
For the simple and small
To not hold grudges
To let go and trust all

My rainbow heart
Is that you hiding?
I think I see you;
You’re almost in reach.
My rainbow heart
I know you’re hurting
You don’t like pain
But pain, too, has lessons to teach.

Dear rainbow heart
Please come back stronger
Please don’t get tarnished
and come sooner, not later.

I need you.

 Other hearts: Black Heart and Pink Heart