Carried by the wind, dissolved into darkness


Carried by the wind, dissolved into darkness.

The coolness licks and sweeps
past your skin
taking the first layer
of you into the sky

Another gust
tickling and swirling–
there you go, playfully
round and through the leaves

Gentle, softly
lifted, lightly
floating, gradually
higher, higher

A whistle
shooting you past
pastpastpast
everything

The biggest howl
all enveloping
lovingly embraces
sweeping the rest of you off the ground

And there’s nothing left
you’re everywhere and nowhere
permeating the world
and the dark of the night.

Changing Partners


I stay me. And you stay you.

The things I would do stay the same even if it’s someone else beside me.
Like spazzing out over furry plants and cactuses or pointing out eagles in the sky, I guess.

The things you would do stay the same even if it’s someone else beside you.
Like dressing up in yukatas and having lunch at sakae sushi, eating salmon and amaebi sushi.

It feels disconcerting– I used to do that with you, and now you’re doing it with someone else? But it’s inevitable, just the way it necessarily is. I shared myself with you, and now you’re gone, but I’m still here. I’m still me, and the things I share are still those things.

I’ve always wondered, for people who’ve had multiple bfs or gfs… what do you call them? Does the name stay the same? Isn’t strange though, if you called boyfriend A ‘baby’ and you call boyfriend B ‘baby’ as well?

And yet, how many terms of endearment can you cycle, huh? Besides, what if it’s a personal preference, it’s a term you like. You stay you. And the other person just changes and swops and cycles. The term you use is a part of who you are, and not an identity of the other.

I wonder if there are things that aren’t just you (with me tagging along) and aren’t just me (with you tagging along) but are us. Things unique to us. Things that can’t be cycled, can’t just swop in and out someone new. Things that we only did together, that we wouldn’t do with anyone else.

There must be, for surely a relationship is greater than the sum of its parts? For surely there is ‘you’, there is ‘me’, but there was also ‘us’?

I can’t remember, I”ve forgotten, I am forgetting.

When I look at our ‘things to do before we die!’ list, the items seem to fall neatly into the things you wanted to do, and the things I wanted to do. Of course, we’d thought we’d do them together, but you would still fly in a hot air balloon without me, and I am still set on climbing mountains and seeing the northern lights with or without you, or anyone else. Was there anything on the list that was truly something for us to do before we die?

We were waltzin’ together to a dreamy melody
When they called out “Change partners”
And you waltzed away from me
Now my arms feel so empty as I gaze around the floor
And I’ll keep on changing partners
Till I hold you once more

Not.


Reality seeps
through my fingers.
I am
not.

One foot, then another
moving but going nowhere.
Unseeing eyes
unsmiling smiles.
Pumping blood
without a heartbeat.

They’ve turned from
a misplaced reality
into fading memories
ashen grey and almost-but-can’t
forgotten

Reality was taken
but was not replaced.
I am
not.

The delightful hot-potato that is Gayness


Just reading this article, One Town’s War on Gay Teens, makes me feel so madder-than-mad at humanity in general and certain groups of humanity in particular.

Recently a friend passed me a book she bought from her church, entitled “Born Gay?” by Dr John Tay. It aims to “examine the scientific evidence for homosexuality”, as stated on the cover. What it does is gives individual summaries (which are slightly too brief, in my opinion) for a relatively large number of scientific papers on the topic and draws an overall conclusion from them: genes don’t fully account for homosexuality (and environmental factors play a bigger role) and therefore homosexuality is a choice.

Well, I’ve so far only scanned through the book, so I hope to give it a thorough reading and a fair hearing in time. I will also hopefully be able to check out those articles he features myself, and find others as well, but in the meantime, here’s my humble two cents on the nature of sexuality:

I think, like so many aspects of human experience, it is incredibly personal and incredibly variable. I think it is definitely a huge dash of nature, and another dash of nurture, and I think even the ratio of nature to nurture differs from person to person. I think sexuality is a continuous spectrum, or rather, two spectrum: gender identity (how much of a man/woman you identify as) and sexual orientation (how attracted you are to men/women/both/none). And I think how fluid a person’s sexuality is (how movable they are on that spectrum over time) is itself another spectrum.

But that’s just one person’s opinion; for it to have any weight you’d need to talk to others, read more, have some evidence to substantial and make sure that your theory actually does match reality and isn’t just some abstract idea that sounds nice on paper. So, still exploring. :)