A Bubble Floating Through Emptiness


To reality hop.
Can I hop through different realities, please?
I really don’t want to be here.

Be in an anime, or a movie, a fantasy world. To come and go and leave and as you please.
Put me under, into the dream world, go down the rabbit hole, escape.

When I think about you, the world flips inside out and nothing makes sense. I want to run away.
In to psychedelic colours, grunge textures and linkin park songs. I lose touch with reality– this can’t be real, what is real? This is not my reality, I reject it. I don’t want to be here.

There must be somewhere else I can go. How can this be all there is? How can this be my life? It’s not mine, I reject it. I want to go back to there– that felt real, that’s where I want to be. No, that’s where I am. Who closed the door, the door to narnia, to nivarna, to bliss, to home? Why am I stuck in this place, in this shell, in this meaninglessness, in this emptiness?

I feel no attachment to this world, this realm, this reality– it’s not reality. No attachment, no bond, no relation, no investment. It’s not so much that I don’t want to be here as how much I want to be somewhere else– I’m lost. There’s a taste of reality, a taste of home– no, Home– a taste of heaven, I remember. I’ve been there before. Why did it go, where did it go? Who stole my keys and shut me out, threw me out?

How do I get back to reality?
How do I get back home?

Must I stay here, in this prison without walls, bidding my time, and waiting, hoping hopelessly that one day I will escape, one day I will be home again, and reality will be real?

Which is the reality? Is the reality I crave but a dream, a drug, an escapist’s delusion? Am I binded and intoxicated by a dreamy haze? How can things be so contrary– why does my definition of reality differ from yours, is reality relative?

Seeing you, meeting you turns my world (what world?) topsy turvey.

I don’t understand that, but I don’t understand anything.

I am a bubble, floating through emptiness, waiting desperately to

pop.

When was the last time you took the time to watch the changing clouds?


Sometimes
The things left un-said
Clang louder than the things that are.

But it’s okay.

I promise to take some time to watch the changing clouds.
I promise to come back and comb the library.
I promise to take a stroll down the beach.

I promise to touch as many of those millions of point of light as I can.
Touch, touch, touch. And paint my picture, an explosion of fireworks.

Can you see what I see?

In an ideal world, it would be a non-issue


From Rachel Patrick’s post on LGBT-BJU over here.

But I never wanted to be one of the PRIDE kind of queers, the activists, the vocal ones, the ones with rainbow tattoos. I feel I am defined by so much more in my life than my sexual orientation. I feel like there is so much in my life that is actually more important than my sexual orientation. I love to read, hike, cook, write, snowboard, and garden. I like to get my nails done. I go to church. I am obsessed with Clemson football. I am just like everyone else. I am just like you.

am just like you, except for the fact that in twenty-nine states, my employer can fire me because I am gay. I am just like you, except in the nineteen states that still do not classify violence against LGBTQ individuals as hate crimes. When I want to adopt or foster a child, I am treated exactly like you… if I live in one of the ten states that allows GLBT people to adopt. And I am just like you, because when I fall in love, I want nothing more than to love and care for my partner with everything that I am, with all of my heart and all of my resources, for all of my life— I want to get married someday, except, I can’t.

Sexual orientation should be a non-issue. In an ideal world, no one cares. People love whom they love. God loves everybody. The end.

But we do not live in that world.

Obviously the ‘God’ bits don’t apply to me, and I don’t live in America but… everything else. This.

In an ideal world, to me too, it would really be a non-issue. Along with my gender identity and how I choose to present myself. The clothes I wear, the way I style my hair. But we don’t live in that world.

Not yet. 
One can always hope.

Hope + Fear = Flavoursome mix of life


How time flies. I thought April had just began– for that matter, I thought 2012 had just began. Now it’s past mid-april. Next week end april, then May. Then June. And half the year’s gone.

Next week it’ll be end April… and soon it’ll be time to pen another letter.

I’m afraid. This will probably be the last. Then the road forks up ahead and a new chapter begins. More accurately, a new book. I’ve been doing it at my own pace, and now the time has come– is coming. I’m ready– or, I hope I will be. Pen poised over paper.

I’m afraid, but also not. More… anticipatory? Weary, cautious. Wanting to hope, but not daring to. Excepting the worst, and the best. Not particularly certain what is the best or worst; not particularly certain what is it I’m hoping for or what I should be hoping for. Blanketed by a sense of resignation, preparatory acceptance: I’ve done what I have to and I’ve done my best.

I’m afraid, but also not. Excitement? Partly, but not exactly either. Because… the future is out there, and it’s coming whether you like it or not. And if there’s anything certain about the future, it’s that it’s filled with unknowns. A sea of unknowns rushing up to meet you. Don’t you feel a tingle? Fear mixed with giddy excitement. The next wave could bring you to the highest point yet–on top of the world!– or give you your most spectacular wipeout. Fear mixed with giddy excitement. Now that’s what life’s about.

Hope, mixed with the risk and thrill of potential failure. Mmmm, what a flavoursome mix!

Gandhi: Merely human. But also so much more.


I just finished watching the 3-hour, 1982 biographical film ‘Gandhi’.

Reading about Gandhi and watching that film really leaves one awe-struck. And inspired, so inspired. You’re just speechless that a person like that can really exist, especially in a world like ours. Yet… it also finds me in two minds about him and his beliefs.

There’s this part of me — the cynical, jaded part; the part that likes to think itself a realist — that thinks, are you for real? Sure, his message is inspiring but… is that really the best way to do things? Maybe some things are worth fighting for. Maybe if they had fought–physically fought– in the right way, it wouldn’t have taken so long to achieve their goals. And maybe the factors for such methods just happened to be right in those situations…maybe trying to bring them elsewhere– the holocaust for example– would have resulted in even worse harm and atrocities! I mean, you can’t stand up for your principles by saying ‘I’m willing to die for this cause!’ when that’s exactly what the enemy wants? Hitler wasn’t interested in keeping Jews oppressed, he just wanted them exterminated!

And… it just seems naive to think you can have no conflict all the time. Fighting seems so… ingrained. People seem primed to fight, especially in the face of injustice. Wouldn’t it seem wiser? more practical? to take that fact into consideration and work around it or try to prevent it rather than just tell them not to fight and expect them to obey?

He also has this quote about how history reads like it’s all fighting, but in reality fights are just interruptions from peace. Its just that only the fights tend to get recorded. In truth, peace is the default.

Yet too often, it really seems the other way around. That conflict is a core part of us and our society. Just the way the world works.

The parts depicting the riots and beatings and killings made me feel all that. And I cried at how evil man can be and wondered how those people could live with themselves.

Still, the idealistic part of me really wants to believe it. It echos his sentiment that love and truth always wins out in the end. It argues that it’s not this kind of thinking that’s too idealistic, it’s the world that’s too cynical and jaded. If everyone could see the truth in such statements and lived their life by them… it would work

And still, he’s only human. He has no magic answers. He just sticks to the simple truths that he does know.

“There is no such thing as “Gandhism,” and I do not want to leave any sect after me. I do not claim to have originated any new principle or doctrine. I have simply tried in my own way to apply the eternal truths to our daily life and problems…The opinions I have formed and the conclusions I have arrived at are not final. I may change them tomorrow. I have nothing new to teach the world. Truth and non-violence are as old as the hills.”  – Mahatma Gandhi

Regardless of what you think of his methods, you have to respect and admire him for being able to stay so true to his principles and not lose hope in love and truth. How did he do it? How did he not get angry, discouraged and jaded at the stupidity and evilness of men? He saw it all first hand and he never lost hope.

Hears to hoping that I, and all of us, can be just a little bit more like him. The world could be a much better place.