That I miss


Dreamt of you.

It’s that familiarity
comforting familiarity
warm security
and quiet contentment

where and when
no words are needed
for that quiet glow
of happiness.

I wonder how you think of me.

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Windy Sunsets


I love walking home in the evenings, before the sun sets on a day with nice weather like today. There’s always something so poignant and emotional and beautiful about the times of dawn and dusk.

The blue sky and it’s puffy white clouds, so beautiful, so beautiful.
We spend too much of the day indoors.
Want to just spend all my time sitting by the beach, staring into the horizon.
And feel the wind embrace you.

I love the wind, I really do. When it blows, it feels all encompassing, going around, over and, it seems, almost through you. I close my eyes as it roars past my ears and whistles through my hair. It makes me think and feel of carefree days, of freedom, of love and joy, of simple pleasures and happiness. It stirs up vagues wisps of emotion-memories of being overseas, on holiday, relaxing. It stirs up vague wisps of feeling-memories of the beach, of Bishan park, of Changi beach club, of childhood memories and being much younger. Perhaps it even reaches further back than that to the memories of childhood dreams and desires to fly.

The blue sky and white clouds and trees and wind also call up memories of Jalan Bangket. Of MacRitchie Reservoir. Of taking walks in her estate…of relationship memories.

It’s a taste. Of openness, freedom, carefreeness, contentment, peace and a simple joy… But also of days gone by. Of past simplicities and securities. Of being young, when everything was always alright. Of a happiness, light-heartedness and optimism that I no longer possess… it makes me melancholy.

The wind always fills me with emotion. If a were a theist I’d say that’s when I feel closest to God, when I can almost literally feel His embrace, his reassurance, his love. Yes, I feel so loved. But I’m not a theist.

Instead, I’d say its when I feel most alive, most aware of the beauty of life and living, most in awe and appreciation, most at one and almost at peace with the world.

The most beautiful things in life are often bittersweet, like the sunset at dusk.

Related:
I Think I Love the Wind the Best 

Tiredness without the satisfaction


There’s this little piece of feeling, it should be here but it’s missing.

I ran my first half-marathon this morning; It was a night run starting at 12:30am. Slightly more than half-way through my knee started hurting and I had trouble walking, never mind running. About 3/4 way through, it started pouring. Tropical torrential downpour compete with thunder, lighting and strong winds. Nonetheless, I managed to complete the run without dying. Needless to say, I’m suitably drained and exhausted after that ‘ordeal’.

There’s this little piece of feeling missing.

It’s like the feeling after a day of swimming? Well, I don’t know if others experience it this way but I’d always feel really drained after swimming. Especially those times when we were younger and used to go swimming regularly. We didn’t just swim though; It was a club by the beach and as kids we’d of course be running around, sitting on the slide, moving from the baby pool to the big pool, playing in the sand, playing in the sea… There’d always be this characteristic physically drained feeling, with the lingering coldness of the water on your skin, sapping your body’s energy as you slowly get warm again.

But you’re tired in a good way. You’re happy. And, after everyone gets washed up, we’d usually go as a family for a really good and yummy dinner. Perhaps at the club’s restaurant, or, as I remember on some occasions, having a home-made picnic on the benches in the ‘park’ that overlooked the seaside. And it was precisely because you felt so drained and hungry that that meal and the down time with family really, really hits the spot. It was some good icing on an already good cake, transforming it into a perfect cake.

Or… it’s like the feeling of coming home from overseas after a holiday. You had fun, but after the last few hours in the plane you’re also exhausted from flying and waiting in airports and lugging luggages around. Not to mention, maybe you’ve had enough of a constant onslaught of the unfamiliar for a while. When you touch down and when you finally step back into your own house, there’s a deep sense of comfort, of satisfaction, of belonging, of… well, of homecoming. Of coming home.

Or… it’s like the feeling of coming home after a long day to a warm smile and a warmer, tight and loving hug. It transforms your day, but it does that by transforming you. Warms you from the inside out.

Simple things that rejuvenate. Simple things that add the final cherry on the cake, the dot in the dragon’s eye. Simple things that seem an after-thought to the main event, but actually are the most important. Simple things that can affect the colour and mood and final telling of the story. Simple things that can turn the entire situation around in your head.

Something sweet enough to delight, yet substantial enough to make you full and satisfied. You feel contented, but it goes a step further than that; you feel happiness. A sprinkling of glitter rainbow.

That’s the feeling that’s almost here, but isn’t.

It’s like missing the climax but you’re not quite sure why. It’s like almost reaching, but deflating just a tad too soon. Missed the sweet spot.

A feeling is missing, that final cherry on the cake that would make everything worth it, make everything perfect. Change the story.

We all have super powers!


Inspiring article and a great reminder of how powerful little things can be. :)

Take a read, it’s not long :) “How to use your super powers for good

Then, like magic, my morning changed.

“Hi! You must be Peter. Welcome!” Lisa*, the receptionist, sang as she opened the door. She smiled, and then looked worried. “Why did you come up in the freight?”

I explained my morning and she frowned empathetically. “I’m so sorry, That’s terrible. Here, let me take your bike.”

I could have cried from happiness. In one second, Lisa turned my emotions around, from the negative spiral of anger, frustration, and despair to the positive spiral of relief, appreciation, and happiness.

And that’s when I realized: We all have super powers.

– Peter Bregman

We all have super powers!! Use yours for GOOD!! HAVE YOU MADE SOMEONE SMILE TODAY??? 8D 8D 8D

… okay, that’s probably going from buoyant and upbeat into maniacal and scary territory. XD

But seriously. As long as you have life, and as long as you have hope, you have the power. You have the power to change yourself, change your life, and affect those around. An oft repeated sentiment: if you want to change the world, you’ve got to start with yourself.

So as long as you have yourself, you have the power to change the world. :)

Not simply in terms of cheering someone else up, but for anything and everything! The actions of people count, and you’re a person. Your actions count. The beach is made out of individual grains of sand.

You can save the world. :)

Can’t let go (because I have nothing else to hold on to)


Looking in all the wrong places for happiness.

My life’s not shit– I have so much to be grateful for, I know– but it certainly is a mess. I don’t know what I’m doing, and I don’t know what I want. I’m trying to find meaning, but I must be going about it in the totally wrong way.

On one hand– I’ve always been like that– pretty directionless. I’ll have down periods where I’m moody and emotional and wage internal wars about the meaning (or lack of meaning) in my life.

But it was always balanced with moments of clarity, moments of joy for life, wasn’t it? on the whole, didn’t I think of myself as a happy, optimistic person?

This is how my life organized itself for most of the past 24 years:
There’s the everyday drudgery of things you have to do, things you need to do. For ~16years, this role was filled by school and school work. Sometimes it was the worst kind of torture– you just didn’t see the point of it all, this mindless routine! Other times you appreciated it, enjoyed it almost. Probably most times it just was– something to be done, something that passes the time. Dreary obligation and comforting familiarity both.

To make that drone bearable and meaningful, you had to litter it with fun stuff– dot the black sky with shiny stars. Have something to look forward to all the time. Small things like catching a glimpse of a crush. Big things like outings on weekends. Arriving home to your family, a home-cooked meal, playing the piano… whatever. Always something to look forward to. A happy place to go to and to think about when you need cheering up.

Well school has ended and a job hasn’t replaced it yet. On the surface that seems like the first component has been removed– no more painful necessities to plough through. In reality though, the dreariness (the unexciting mundaneness?) remains but with less structure: no more clearly defined time blocks for Lesson Time (zzz waiting for time to pass) and Free Time (yay dismissal!). Which means more or less everything turns into one (often dreary) blob.

As for happy havens… well, my happy bubble was popped. And now it seems I haven’t felt genuinely happy in a long time, nor can I think of anything that really excites me and makes me feel happy in anticipation. I think more accurate words would be: joy. and contentment.  Haven’t felt joyful or contented in a long while.

If you can’t think of a reason to be happy, you’re just making excuses and are not trying hard enough. 

Easier said than done, as always.

It’s hard to let go of the one thing that has brought you all encompassing joy for so long. Especially when you don’t see any other life buoys, any other light points of hope in sight much less within reach.

But maybe let go you must, before it can stop obstructing your view to an entire world of joy somewhere out there…

Questions to Ask Yourself


If you are, then I'm happy for you.

or merely changed what you're running from?

If you don't trust yourself, you can't expect others to. And the basis of any human interaction and relationship is trust.

Lying to others is bad. But lying to yourself is far worse.

very, very much.

But if you've managed to do it, won't you teach me how?

I didn’t make these with the objective of posting them here, but was rather pleased with the results (yay more relatively successful attempts with watercolours) so I decided to share.