Things that make me happy


Things that make me happy:
1.
2.
3.

That’s how I feel right now.

I can’t rightly say that I’m still depressed– I feel fine most of the time, I’m functional, I’m not moping, I’m not moody, I’m not sad or upset or emotional. I go about my day as per normal. I know things can get much worse than this, have been much worse than this, but I’m not in that ditch any more and I don’t ever want to go back.

Yet it isn’t clear where I am. Some barren wasteland? A no man’s land between deep ditches?

There is nothing in my life right now that I can think of that makes me truly happy. Nothing in my life right now gets me excited or motivated. Everything is awash with this blanket of… pointlessness. Emptiness.

It’s not even as if I’m languishing– I’m doing my best to keep myself moderately occupied. It’s important to stay in touch with friends, right? To read books, watch shows, play music, draw, keep up with learning a new language, go out, buy new things, exercise, travel… so yeah, I try to do some of everything. Prove to myself that I’m living and not wasting my life away. Enough to facebook-pretend. I’m not the kind who needs lots of activities to be satisfied, anyway. Yet, all that I do– including getting out of bed in the morning– I do because I’m supposed to, and not because I want to. Sure, I don’t have to drag and force myself out of bed, but neither do I look forward to the day.

I may not need five hundred friends and activities everyday, but I do need something. What? Even when I think I know, how do I get it?

Or is that fallacious thinking– to assume that this one thing is going to miraculously solve your whole life? That this one thing is what will give your life meaning and purpose?

That doesn’t sound like meaning– it sounds like a crutch.

I do not know what I have to do, or what I can do, to end this reign of emptiness. How do I find my way out of this wasteland?

I may not be feeling sad at the moment. But to know that there is nothing right now that can make me happy– truly happy– that’s perhaps one of the saddest things there is.

Carried by the wind, dissolved into darkness


Carried by the wind, dissolved into darkness.

The coolness licks and sweeps
past your skin
taking the first layer
of you into the sky

Another gust
tickling and swirling–
there you go, playfully
round and through the leaves

Gentle, softly
lifted, lightly
floating, gradually
higher, higher

A whistle
shooting you past
pastpastpast
everything

The biggest howl
all enveloping
lovingly embraces
sweeping the rest of you off the ground

And there’s nothing left
you’re everywhere and nowhere
permeating the world
and the dark of the night.

A Bubble Floating Through Emptiness


To reality hop.
Can I hop through different realities, please?
I really don’t want to be here.

Be in an anime, or a movie, a fantasy world. To come and go and leave and as you please.
Put me under, into the dream world, go down the rabbit hole, escape.

When I think about you, the world flips inside out and nothing makes sense. I want to run away.
In to psychedelic colours, grunge textures and linkin park songs. I lose touch with reality– this can’t be real, what is real? This is not my reality, I reject it. I don’t want to be here.

There must be somewhere else I can go. How can this be all there is? How can this be my life? It’s not mine, I reject it. I want to go back to there– that felt real, that’s where I want to be. No, that’s where I am. Who closed the door, the door to narnia, to nivarna, to bliss, to home? Why am I stuck in this place, in this shell, in this meaninglessness, in this emptiness?

I feel no attachment to this world, this realm, this reality– it’s not reality. No attachment, no bond, no relation, no investment. It’s not so much that I don’t want to be here as how much I want to be somewhere else– I’m lost. There’s a taste of reality, a taste of home– no, Home– a taste of heaven, I remember. I’ve been there before. Why did it go, where did it go? Who stole my keys and shut me out, threw me out?

How do I get back to reality?
How do I get back home?

Must I stay here, in this prison without walls, bidding my time, and waiting, hoping hopelessly that one day I will escape, one day I will be home again, and reality will be real?

Which is the reality? Is the reality I crave but a dream, a drug, an escapist’s delusion? Am I binded and intoxicated by a dreamy haze? How can things be so contrary– why does my definition of reality differ from yours, is reality relative?

Seeing you, meeting you turns my world (what world?) topsy turvey.

I don’t understand that, but I don’t understand anything.

I am a bubble, floating through emptiness, waiting desperately to

pop.

Not.


Reality seeps
through my fingers.
I am
not.

One foot, then another
moving but going nowhere.
Unseeing eyes
unsmiling smiles.
Pumping blood
without a heartbeat.

They’ve turned from
a misplaced reality
into fading memories
ashen grey and almost-but-can’t
forgotten

Reality was taken
but was not replaced.
I am
not.

Demon I


Everyday
A demon whispers in my ear.

you don’t want to live
he breathes
you don’t want to be here
you don’t want this, any of this

imagine the blade
across your skin
silently slice, slice, slice
again, again.
hypnotizing comfort.

imagine the height
imagine the flight
what a rush!
of adrenaline and wind

Along the streets and roads
come and crash us down, come on.
Around the corners
sudden headlights and screech of brakes, come on.

what else does he say to me?
no one cares.
what else does he say?
you’re as alone as can be.
its echo-y in my head

((no one cares))(caress)(caresss))
((you’re alone))(alone)(lone..))

you don’t want to live
he coos
your life, so dead. empty. meaningless.
there’s nothing here. 

Everyday
A demon whispers in my ear.

Little Shadows


In the silence of the world
Little shadows softly creep
Running, stumbling, tumbling, leap
Without sound, nary a peep

In the madness of the world
Topsy-turvey upside down
Inside out and round and round
Sprinting senseless, no-where-bound

Wherefore art thou?
and who am i?
beauty unfound
apple eye

On your sleeve for all to see
or sneaky, silent, stone wall be
Do you care — do I care you care?
Maybe; maybe not; left (un)shared.

Unreality, realer than real
All you know and all you feel
Contradictions, paradox
Non-existence, there is no box.

Will you please me? no one will?
Just keep swimming; no choice still.
Forever sad, empty, dead.
Hollow chest and vacant head.

Fallen tree, no one’s around
No ears present, still a sound?
Out of sigh, beyond my reach
Feels like: no sound, tone, pitch.

In the stillness of the world
Formless shadows flee and flit
Crying, wailing, screaming, weep
Souless, soundless, endless pit.

Written on 18th Jan 2012

Limbo


this feeling
like floating
only half living
only half there.

you’re sleeping
while waking
and speaking
and laughing
but don’t truly care

going through
the motions
a shell on autopilot
a lifeless puppet on strings
muscle memory,
probably.

just waiting
while floating
and drifting
and dreaming
semi-conscious and unaware.

waiting
and waiting
and waiting
and waiting
for reality
to seep
back
in.

Written 24th January 2012