Dream: Trapped


and in my dream I was sad
so sad
forever-sad kind of sad
will-never-be-happy sad
life-is-not-worth-living sad

met her, briefly, and parted.
went to meet K for food
sat outside this interesting cafe for cats, or something
I kept looking at it, wondering about it, and thinking–

we get up to… pay or something
I wandered into the building for a while
fake ‘skating’ on the smooth floor
I go back out where I thought I came from
but it’s different and K’s not there
I must have used the wrong door
I go back in and exit through another door
this is wrong too

I’m lost, and I can’t find K
the layout of everything is familiar, and similar
but yet completely different
we’re somewhere near nus
and the layout is of NUS but also not
I know where I am and where I’m going
but also not.
I’m lost

the place morphs and morphs
all the time familiar but not
I open doors and enter and exit
trying to find my way, but i’m still lost
it’s a canteen, or a hawker centre– huge
familiar but– it’s wrong, wrong.
I open a door and inside it’s a maze of corridors.
I’m getting scared and panicky
I open the door that I came in from but–
but what? I can’t remember.

Scared, I know it’s a dream.
I tell myself, okay, just think of what you want to see when you open the door
think of something happy
escape this dark mood
I close my eyes, in the dream
and try to think
I think of a beach
okay
when we open this door, it’s going to be a happy beach on the other side.
okay

I open my eyes and it’s not
and I’m struggling
to what? I don’t remember
open the door? close the door?
more maze-y dark corridors
I can feel nylon strings against me as I try to open the door
and I’m terrified
that pushing on those strings is going to trigger something
it’s a trap and

I force myself to wake up
pull myself from the dream
wake up wake up wake up
the sticky heaviness, clinging on
struggling to move a limb, open an eye– WAKE UP
okay.

at some point
I can’t remember when
I think about going to meet her
was that reality or dream?
but what would I say to her?
There’s nothing to say.
there’s no point.

another dream
I have a desk.
it’s at the edge of like a balcony
but no barriers, like an infinity pool

it’s dangerous and I keep thinking Mittens is going to fall as she sits at the edge
so I keep chasing her off my table

but I like the openness

it’s night and there are stars
twinkling and twinkling
I call my sis in to look at something
there’s a building far away in the distance
with a cool/pretty design.
then I see it’s a church

suddenly I notice something different
they are raising the wall!
or they raised the wall?
with the new wall, I’d have hardly any view! I wouldn’t be able to see siht!

new wall? oh no wait. it’s windows, they’re gonna build windows
That’s not so bad

from going to build
suddenly is there, the windows
except that it’s mostly wall

the lights turn on and oh! i see new things on my shelf– cool white animal figurines

I call my sis again, to look at this
but she snaps at me

The windows are mostly wall
wall– everything is walled up.
I’m struggling– climbing up my table
trying to peer out the tiny bits of window high up
the sky is wonky it was night but now it’s day?
no no, it should be night
turn it back to night
trying to peer out the tiny window
to catch a glimpse again
of those beautiful twinkling stars
i saw just now

to no avail
can’t see shit out of this tiny tiny window.
can’t see

Advertisements

A Bubble Floating Through Emptiness


To reality hop.
Can I hop through different realities, please?
I really don’t want to be here.

Be in an anime, or a movie, a fantasy world. To come and go and leave and as you please.
Put me under, into the dream world, go down the rabbit hole, escape.

When I think about you, the world flips inside out and nothing makes sense. I want to run away.
In to psychedelic colours, grunge textures and linkin park songs. I lose touch with reality– this can’t be real, what is real? This is not my reality, I reject it. I don’t want to be here.

There must be somewhere else I can go. How can this be all there is? How can this be my life? It’s not mine, I reject it. I want to go back to there– that felt real, that’s where I want to be. No, that’s where I am. Who closed the door, the door to narnia, to nivarna, to bliss, to home? Why am I stuck in this place, in this shell, in this meaninglessness, in this emptiness?

I feel no attachment to this world, this realm, this reality– it’s not reality. No attachment, no bond, no relation, no investment. It’s not so much that I don’t want to be here as how much I want to be somewhere else– I’m lost. There’s a taste of reality, a taste of home– no, Home– a taste of heaven, I remember. I’ve been there before. Why did it go, where did it go? Who stole my keys and shut me out, threw me out?

How do I get back to reality?
How do I get back home?

Must I stay here, in this prison without walls, bidding my time, and waiting, hoping hopelessly that one day I will escape, one day I will be home again, and reality will be real?

Which is the reality? Is the reality I crave but a dream, a drug, an escapist’s delusion? Am I binded and intoxicated by a dreamy haze? How can things be so contrary– why does my definition of reality differ from yours, is reality relative?

Seeing you, meeting you turns my world (what world?) topsy turvey.

I don’t understand that, but I don’t understand anything.

I am a bubble, floating through emptiness, waiting desperately to

pop.

Colours and Wind


What I don’t understand is where the ‘care’ went.

How is it that you can go from caring so much, to not caring at all?

What I don’t understand are the masks– back to the basics, like strangers. To speak to each other with polite, surface smiles and upbeat small talk, keeping each other at more than arms length, when once we shared all manner of heart to heart talks. It feels so pointless, fake and above all, really, really sad. Can’t I be myself with you any more?

To have taken all that time to figure out that maze, to slowly disassemble the walls and put down the masks. What a blessing it is to have that sort of familiarity, closeness, trust with another human being. What a curse to have that taken away.

What I don’t understand is– well, everything.

It doesn’t matter, I guess, what I understand or fail to understand. Life goes on.

When I dream of you, I awake with a sense of happiness and contentment. I dreamt last night that I wanted to take you out ‘flying’. Yes, I fly in my dreams. Flying dreams are the best sort of dreams ever.

We’ll keep dreaming of the sky. Colours and wind, colours and wind.