Somethings you cannot say


It’s not that I don’t believe you– I do.

I believe that you’re not well, that you genuinely can’t come, that you do wish you could… to an extent.

But it takes its toll, and it makes me feel that I’m lesser in your eyes. I’m not a priority.

 

It’s not that I don’t think you’re good people, friends I mean.

I think you’re swell, and I think you do enjoy my company as I do yours… but it’s not 50/50, is it?

It takes its toll, the things unsaid and unremembered. It makes me feel lesser, I’m not your priority, that you don’t really have concern for me.

 

It makes it hard for me to fully trust you the way I would like to. Trust you with my time, effort and affection. It makes me want to build a wall, to keep myself safe, treat you as a arms-length-friend at best.

 

And you? I just can’t.

still can’t. Perhaps I forever can’t.

I wish I could surrender, give up, quit you and just never see you again, in any context.

Rather than look at you now

and teether between HATING everything you are and LOVING everything you are
between not caring at all and caring too much.

I don’t want
to hear of the things you do
and not know whether to roll my eyes and ridicule them
or laugh and smile endearingly
or just to be completely ambivalent and unaffected.

When I don’t look directly at you
When I don’t make conversation
When I don’t ask about the things in your life
When I ignore, act flippant and even cold

Do you know? That it’s conscious, deliberate? That it’s not because I don’t know what to say, what to ask? That it’s not because I don’t care?

It’s just because I can’t. Just can’t, still can’t, forever can’t.

I had a thought the other day
that some scars are permanent.

Advertisements

Honey Lemon Sunshine


You can lie to the world, but you can’t lie to yourself. 

You can dissociate from the world, but you can’t dissociate from yourself. 
~~~

I wish time would stop– just for a little while. Let me live in this moment– and this moment only– just for a little while, without feeling the grains slipping through my fingers, without thinking about what next, without worrying about significance, without worrying about the future or the big picture. 

Just a pause to do nothing but soak in the moment, without it running by and slipping away into oblivion. 

The moment I mean– it feels a pretty colour. Light– like honey lemon rays of sunshine, or crystal turquoise streams of water. But lighter, much lighter than either of that. Just a swash of colour and light enough to float you away. 

~~~

Downstairs someone is shouting, screaming, fighting. 
I really hate it when people fight, when people scream, when people shout. 
When I hear the anger and venom in their voices, I want nothing more than to shrink and shirk and hide away, away, away… 

I feel like shouting back at them (ironic)
take your fight somewhere else
don’t destroy other people’s peace,
other people’s moment
I can hear you from the 40th storey for crying out loud


but while their voices, reflected by the ground, travel up
mine would merely be whipped away by the wind…
whipped away by the wind. 

A cup of tea 
would be nice.
or honey? 
tea with honey? mm. 
~~~

and you write.
to what purpose? 

we went up, and we went down
we went fast, we went slow
we expanded energy, then we ate
we started at a point, and ended up at another, not too far away. 

to what purpose?

to what purpose, any of it? 

who has the task
of injecting meaning
fashioning purpose
is it god? ourselves? 
or something in between? 

Dream: Trapped


and in my dream I was sad
so sad
forever-sad kind of sad
will-never-be-happy sad
life-is-not-worth-living sad

met her, briefly, and parted.
went to meet K for food
sat outside this interesting cafe for cats, or something
I kept looking at it, wondering about it, and thinking–

we get up to… pay or something
I wandered into the building for a while
fake ‘skating’ on the smooth floor
I go back out where I thought I came from
but it’s different and K’s not there
I must have used the wrong door
I go back in and exit through another door
this is wrong too

I’m lost, and I can’t find K
the layout of everything is familiar, and similar
but yet completely different
we’re somewhere near nus
and the layout is of NUS but also not
I know where I am and where I’m going
but also not.
I’m lost

the place morphs and morphs
all the time familiar but not
I open doors and enter and exit
trying to find my way, but i’m still lost
it’s a canteen, or a hawker centre– huge
familiar but– it’s wrong, wrong.
I open a door and inside it’s a maze of corridors.
I’m getting scared and panicky
I open the door that I came in from but–
but what? I can’t remember.

Scared, I know it’s a dream.
I tell myself, okay, just think of what you want to see when you open the door
think of something happy
escape this dark mood
I close my eyes, in the dream
and try to think
I think of a beach
okay
when we open this door, it’s going to be a happy beach on the other side.
okay

I open my eyes and it’s not
and I’m struggling
to what? I don’t remember
open the door? close the door?
more maze-y dark corridors
I can feel nylon strings against me as I try to open the door
and I’m terrified
that pushing on those strings is going to trigger something
it’s a trap and

I force myself to wake up
pull myself from the dream
wake up wake up wake up
the sticky heaviness, clinging on
struggling to move a limb, open an eye– WAKE UP
okay.

at some point
I can’t remember when
I think about going to meet her
was that reality or dream?
but what would I say to her?
There’s nothing to say.
there’s no point.

another dream
I have a desk.
it’s at the edge of like a balcony
but no barriers, like an infinity pool

it’s dangerous and I keep thinking Mittens is going to fall as she sits at the edge
so I keep chasing her off my table

but I like the openness

it’s night and there are stars
twinkling and twinkling
I call my sis in to look at something
there’s a building far away in the distance
with a cool/pretty design.
then I see it’s a church

suddenly I notice something different
they are raising the wall!
or they raised the wall?
with the new wall, I’d have hardly any view! I wouldn’t be able to see siht!

new wall? oh no wait. it’s windows, they’re gonna build windows
That’s not so bad

from going to build
suddenly is there, the windows
except that it’s mostly wall

the lights turn on and oh! i see new things on my shelf– cool white animal figurines

I call my sis again, to look at this
but she snaps at me

The windows are mostly wall
wall– everything is walled up.
I’m struggling– climbing up my table
trying to peer out the tiny bits of window high up
the sky is wonky it was night but now it’s day?
no no, it should be night
turn it back to night
trying to peer out the tiny window
to catch a glimpse again
of those beautiful twinkling stars
i saw just now

to no avail
can’t see shit out of this tiny tiny window.
can’t see

Carried by the wind, dissolved into darkness


Carried by the wind, dissolved into darkness.

The coolness licks and sweeps
past your skin
taking the first layer
of you into the sky

Another gust
tickling and swirling–
there you go, playfully
round and through the leaves

Gentle, softly
lifted, lightly
floating, gradually
higher, higher

A whistle
shooting you past
pastpastpast
everything

The biggest howl
all enveloping
lovingly embraces
sweeping the rest of you off the ground

And there’s nothing left
you’re everywhere and nowhere
permeating the world
and the dark of the night.

Yearn


and we yearn

to be thought of
to be cared for
to be loved
to matter

we yearn

to make a difference
to have some significance
to have meaning
to be real

we yearn

for so much
but actually, really, the simplest of things

which are the hardest to achieve .

Just one person, just one. To make it real.
Suddenly, it seems the saddest thing to know
That no one is thinking of you at this moment.

How can you be so silly?

Always yearning for more
more than most can give
When?

Life as a Series of Distractions


We hear, without listening.
Speak, without talking.
Interaction, without connection.

Life can be so depressing sometimes, with its bleak realities.
Perhaps that’s why we need to partake in other things
to distract ourselves from the drudgery?

Then life becomes one big game of distraction, to pass the time?

I can’t buy that.

Bored, restless, frustration and dissatisfied.
How do I find and achieve my reality?

For something I’d listen with all my heart to.
For words that aren’t hollow and empty.
For a connection, oh that elusive connection.

With another person, with myself, with the world, with life.

A life worth living.

Full Accountablility


Close an eye or
Turn one blind
Filter out and summarize
Normal natural inevitable
Like the way vision and attention works
Like the way neurons refresh and
Some information gets left behind.

Conveniently forget.
Let it go.

In the big scheme of things
It’s easier to say, ‘Well, it doesn’t really matter.’
‘Don’t sweat the small stuff.’
‘No one will know.’
‘No one will remember by tomorrow.’
And just breeze by
Imaginary blinders on
Carelessly skipping, knocking, stepping
While carefully avoiding eye contact.

Live in the moment, in the present, what’s past is past.
There’s that twinge of guilt, which you crush, and say
I can’t be devoting all my timemoneyeffort to that
Even if I think it’s a good cause or is the right thing to do
It’s a small thing
It doesn’t make a difference
I have other commitments.

Besides
Everyone else does what I’m doing
This is socially acceptable.
I’m doing fine.
It’s not me
Not my job
Not my problem
Not my responsibility
I’ll mind my own business
Do my own thing.

“If you know it’s wrong, why do you still do it?”
I demand of those in my charge.
“If you know this is what you should do,
and you know why you should do it,
why don’t you do it?”
Easy questions, not so easy answers.
Easy to say, easy to think, less easy to do.

But why?
Perhaps it’s just a habit, living carelessly.
Carelessly, thoughtlessly, lazily.
Just a habit.
Perhaps we can break that habit.

It’s kind of true that in the larger scheme of things
A lot of it doesn’t seem to matter
People forget, don’t notice
No one really knows or cares or remembers
You can get by with doing the minimum.
Work smart, ignore the inconsequential.
Relax; y so serious?

Yet every action has its reaction
And every reaction a subsequent reaction
Chain reactions
And every word you say and thing you do
Has the potential
To uplift or cut someone else down
To help make the world a better place
Or not.

Your lack of action seems inconsequential
Only because you neglect
To compare it with
what it could be.

Religion’s got the right idea;
You’re always, all the time
Everywhere and everywhen
Fully accountable to god.
Fully. Accountable.
To someone who will notice and will and can call you out on it.

Let’s be fully accountable to ourselves.
Break that habit.

Let’s go.